Hail Desdemona!
by Stardust Firebolt
Summary: She's out to save Haven from an atomic bomb and have the most beautiful and intelligent child in the world with Artemis Fowl. Who is this formidable woman? Why, Mary Sue aka. an exotic girl with a unique name like Desdemona, of course!


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Hail, Desdemona!

She's out to save Haven from an atomic bomb and have the most beautiful and intelligent child in the world with Artemis Fowl. Who is this formidable woman? Why, Mary Sue aka. an exotic girl with a unique name like Desdemona of course!

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*Inspired by the Mary Sue Litmus Test by Blue Yeti and Big Friendly Walrus' "The Quest of the Walrus". For more Mary Sue fic recommendations, read Blue Yeti's Litmus Test.*

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Genuine Author's Note: **_I'm poking fun at Mary Sueism, a disease that has ravaged the world of fanfiction and threatens to destroy beautifully-sculpted characters. I am aware that this is going to offend some people out there, especially supporters of Mary Sue fics. But here's my rather cynical view on Mary Sues... :) Pardon me for making Artemis Fowl characters out-of-character, because the evil Mary Sue did it! :P The whole style of this story is written by the perky impersonation below._**

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Fake and Exaggerated Author's Note: Hi! I'm a very perky girl who's absolutely in love with Artemis Fowl!!!! I'm a newbie here, so don't flame me, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAASEEEEE! Don't hurt my tender feelings, I'm only human after all! Hee hee! I need a **positive** **_million_** reviews before I continue with this _reeeeeeeeaaaaaaallllllllllyyyy_ exciting fic! Otherwise, you're gonna regret it if I don't continue! I will flame anyone who flames me, because flames are MEAAAAAAN!! *sobs* Thank you!

It was a dreary day. It was _really_ raining cats and dogs outside. What a terrible day. Artemis Fowl the Second sat at his computer, brooding. Life was so _damn_ boring. He wished he didn't have to sit at his computer and blow up aliens all day. He wanted to be normal! Being a genius didn't suit him after all.

"Oh, supercalifragilisticespiadiocious! I want to be normal!" Artemis cried. "I know I'm so smart and _everything _but I don't have friends! Why is that so?! Butler! I don't want to eat icky-wicky caviar anymore! I want to eat McDonalds'! Maybe then I'll be cool!"

"Oh my god, that is like _so_ cool, Artemis!" Butler said. "I was waiting for the day when you would say that. Come on, let's go! Let's ask Juliet along!"

"Oh, Arty darling, you're finally growing up! I'm so proud of you!" Juliet shrieked, kissing him on both cheeks and causing Artemis to blush. His heart began to beat erratically. _I think I'm in love with Juliet, when did this happen? _he thought, gazing up at Juliet fondly and resisting the urge to kiss her.

(And conveniently forgetting that Fowl Manor was pretty far away from the major towns and cities of Ireland,) Artemis, Juliet and Butler went to McDonalds'. On the way, they met this extremely wondrously marvellously amazingly incredibly astoundingly mind-bogglingly beautiful girl who was sobbing piteously by the fields that surrounded the Fowl estate.

"Why are you crying?" Artemis asked concernedly, his heart twisting around inside. The girl was so obviously in so much pain, and Artemis' cold, cold heart melted for this perfect stranger he didn't even know. Maybe because she was so breathtakingly beautiful.

Yet, even though she was in such overwhelming grief and sorrow, she looked so gorgeously stunning with her striking, scintillating, sparkling, dazzling, shining, glittering blue eyes and long, soft, silky, velvety blonde hair. Thoughts of loving Juliet flew right out of Artemis' head as he focused on the exquisite, angelic, virtuous and perfect beauty seated in front of him.

"My father...my father has been trampled by the sheep that roam your fields!" the girl replied, her voice like the beautiful tinkle of pealing bells; before she hiccuped softly, crying once again. Artemis shivered...her voice was so musical that he felt an instant attraction to her. He wanted to wipe her tears away.

"Oh dear!" Artemis exclaimed, jumping in horror. "What can I do? I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay...I don't blame anybody. I'm a very forgiving person."

"Oh, you are so kind and sweet! But I must simply repay you!" Artemis cried. "What is your name?"

"It's Desdemona," the girl replied softly. "My father gave me that Shakespearean name. He took three days to pick my name."

"Oh! And it's so exotic! What a wise choice for a beauty like you..." Artemis gushed, falling at her feet. "May I kiss your hand to justify the forgiveness?"

"Oh, absolutely, I hope you enjoy it," Desdemona replied, laughing softly, tossing her long, soft, silky, velvety, beautiful, sparkling, amazing, pretty (well you get the idea) blonde hair back.

Artemis shuddered with nervousness as he brought the ethereal beauty's hand to his lips. "Oh your flesh is so sweet! I think I'm in love with you!" Artemis gasped.

Desdemona giggled and pouted her lips. She battered her eyelashes. "What's your name, then?"

"Arty Miss Fool." Artemis was falling all over himself, and could barely speak properly. _She's soooo sooo sooo sooo soooooooooooooo damn beautiful, _he thought.

Desdemona giggled. But she did not laugh at Artemis' name, because she was oh-so-polite and charming with her delightful mannerisms. She was in every way, perfect! "So, Arty Miss Fool, do you know who I really am?" she asked shyly.

Artemis was drooling, his saliva trailing down his lip and to the grass below. "No, tell me, p-p-p-princess," he stuttered.

"I am not of your world," Desdemona said sombrely. "My father was actually the great-grandson of Commander Julius Root. You do know who he is, right? I am actually half-fairy, half-human. My mother was the greatest fairy in Haven."

"And the most beautiful too," Artemis drooled.

"I agree," Butler interjected, drooling too. Artemis had forgotten all about Butler, because he was so overwhelmed by Desdemona's beauty. Juliet was looking at Desdemona with contempt and hatred and jealousy because she was more beautiful than Juliet.

"Let me show you what I can do," Desdemona said, standing up. She raised her hands and turned the entire field of grass into flowers.

"Oh, oh, isn't it beautiful, it's like Heaven..." Artemis drooled. A pool of drool had gathered around him, so much that he had to swim in it freestyle. Desdemona laughed her girly, tinkly laugh and pursed her lips at him in a seductive manner that caused Artemis to get lovely, lovely, lovely goosebumps all over.

"Artemis! SNAP OUT OF IT!" yelled a very cranky Juliet.

"I can't, Juliet...she's so...she's so beautiful..."

Juliet spat at Desdemona's feet, before storming off in fury, tears running down her face at Artemis' unrequited love. Butler managed to tear his eyes from Desdemona to run after his sister.

"Oh no! I made a girl cry!" Desdemona was extremely dejected. She was so perfect, she brought joy to everyone's lives, she could never make another person cry.

Artemis threw an arm over her shoulders, trying to comfort her. "Don't worry Desdemona, she's an ugly old hag compared to you. She's just jealous, because you're so beautiful...." Artemis smiled and lifted a hand to wipe off the perfect tears that leaked out of Desdemona's eyes. "You're so beautiful..." he repeated, drooling again.

"Oh, Arty Miss..." Desdemona said, gazing into the depths of his eyes with love, lust, affection, compassion, adoration, admiration, adulation, fondness, tenderness, devotion, passion and ardour. Artemis looked back into her azure, blue, cobalt, cerulean and sapphire eyes. He felt like he was drowning in them, in those beautiful eyes. He was swimming around, so lost. Yet he felt so safe with Desdemona. He immediately fell in love with this beautiful girl. Then they brought their lips together in a passionate, fervent, ardent, zealous and fiery kiss, and Artemis felt like he was floating around in space. Suddenly Desdemona conjured up a bed from nowhere (she has such superb magic!) and this immediately became a PG-13 fic.

Meanwhile, Haven had become a living hell. The LEP forces were being burnt to a crisp as they tried to fight a Briar Cudgeon who had miraculously resurrected from his death! Briar Cudgeon, like the sadist he is, suddenly began firing missiles everywhere and going "Hee hee hee!". Haven was now on fire! Oh no! Who was going to save Haven?

"Arty Miss!" Desdemona cried. 

"Call me Arty," Artemis growled, winking. Desdemona pushed him away. "I hear a call from the distant Haven. I have telepathic powers and I can sense trouble going on down there!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" Artemis said, panic-stricken to see Desdemona, the love of his life, so worried. "What_ever _shall we do?"

"I have to go, Arty Miss Fool!" Desdemona wept. She wept and wept and wept until her shoulders were shaking so hard that Artemis had to hold her to keep her straight.

"But you've only just come!" Artemis said desperately.

"I know!" Desdemona wept, "I'm going to miss you so much. But what can I do? I am the protector of Haven! I am the saviour of the world!"

"Oh, Desdemona, you are so beautiful and so courageous!" Artemis wept with her, overwhelmed with emotion. "I wish you didn't have to go!"

Birds suddenly appeared in the sky, romantically circling the two lovers as they wept for the life of them. The sun had also suddenly decided to set, and Artemis felt all the more sadder, because this could mean the end of their relationship.

"I shall go with you!" Artemis said.

"No, it's too dangerous, only I have the power to save Haven!" Desdemona proclaimed, and promptly flew into the air. "Bye, Arty Missy Wissy, bye.....!" she sobbed brokenly, her beautiful pearly tears dripping from the sky onto Artemis' shirt. Artemis hurriedly pulled out a vial out of his pocket which was suddenly miraculously there for some reason, and trapped Desdemona's tears in the vial. He held it to his heart and sniffed, memories of Desdemona circling his mind.

"All right, die, you monstrous creature!" Desdemona shrieked as she came face to face with Briar Cudgeon. Ah, this lovely Desdemona, even in the face of adversity, would not say swear words, because she was such a polite girl. Desdemona shot a beam of white light at Briar Cudgeon, and it exploded in his face to become a bunch of flowers.

"You must change, Cudgeon! You must be good!" Desdemona said. "Look at how beautiful these flowers are! Renounce your evil ways!"

"Never!" said Cudgeon, but Desdemona could see him crumbling to her willpower. "NEVER!" he interjected.

"You must turn good! Being evil won't give you any benefits!" Desdemona persisted, wanting to spread her goodness to this evil man.

Suddenly, Cudgeon began to laugh. "Oh, Desdemona! You are right! You are truly a remarkable woman!"

Desdemona was pleased with herself for changing Cudgeon. How truly miraculous! Desdemona flew over to him and hugged him. "Peace!" she whispered, in his ear, and Cudgeon began to weep the tears of joy. "I didn't know being good felt so good," Cudgeon wept.

But all was not over! For now Foaly had gotten the insanity bug! "I WANT TO DESTROY HAVEN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" he whinnied, before launching an atomic bomb into the air.

"Nooooooo!!" shrieked Desdemona. She flew up and crashed into the atomic bomb to prevent it from crashing into Haven. Strangely though, she didn't die straightaway. It seemed as if she had to have last words to say before she went! Desdemona was truly a remarkable person!

"Desdemona!" the whole of Haven shrieked, worried for her safety. Desdemona crashed to the ground. They hovered over her, and asked her questions. "Are you all right?"

"Arty!!! ARTY MISS FOOL!" Desdemona sobbed. "Get Arty Missy Wissy Fool here, NOW!"

"We'll get him, we'll get him!" Haven replied, and immediately zapped Artemis into Haven.

"Desdemona!" he cried, rushing to her side. He wept for the love of her.

"Arty Miss....before I go....I want you to have this," Desdemona whispered, and immediately gave birth to a baby, a result of their union not so long ago. What a powerful woman this was! The baby wasn't even nine months old and it could be given birth to! Desdemona passed it to Artemis. "She's going to be the beautifullest and intelligenest child ever, because I say so. Take care of her."

"Oh, yes, Desdemona, anything, anything!" Artemis wept, his tears staining her face.

"Don't weep so...be brave, Arty-poo!" Desdemona said. "And now.....I must...die..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Artemis' grief was so great, his howl shook the entire Haven. Bits of rock came tumbling down, emphasizing his grief. The city of Haven promptly began crying too. The whole Underground mourned a beautiful girl's loss. And even though they were Underground, somehow the skies opened up and cried for Desdemona's demise. What a tragedy!

Artemis turned to Stardust Firebolt, who was merrily typing away the story. "Why in the *bleep*ing hell did you *bleep*ing make Desdemona darling die?!" he shrieked.

"She's a Mary Sue, idiot," Stardust Firebolt spat back scathingly. "She's _supposed _to die and have the whole world mourn her death."

"She's not Mary Sue! SHE'S DESDEMONA!" Artemis cried, spitting at Stardust Firebolt, and running off to slit his wrists in agony.

And with that, here ends a tragic tale of a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girl who left the world behind...

THE END

SF: That was really exaggerated, don't you think? ^_^


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